Mm, it is now a new year. I've sorta concluded (part of my bitterness, i know) that he was just on the rebound. Could be true. He really did just break up with this girlfriend right at that time when it all started too. Oh well, whatever the reason for the start and whatever the reason for the fading, I've decided to close that door. Not that i'm closed off to being his friend but that I'm not going to worry myself over it or let it get to me right at my own self worth and esteem. There is a lot more to life and I will open doors to new things when i see one.

There are many doors besides that I need to close too tho. Ones that involved closing doors on ways of thinking, actions, habits. I sure have my work cut out b/c it defintely will be anything but easy. Sadly, I've already failed that part when it comes to school work. I wasted my break and now I have a pile of work to do by Monday. I'm so scared of myself. I want to start the year off well but it's like I won't even let myself do that. Sad, I am so sad at times.

Someone help me!
Lord, help me!

Lord help! Sigh, I don't want to face "them". I knew. No matter how much I try to explain and how much "they" [i think] try not to nag me and stuff, it's like "they" can't help it. Especially when "they" are mad. "They" are the kind of people that direct their anger at anything or anyone that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's terrible b/c those things and people might have nothing to do with the actual situation but they get hit with the venting--and those can be real mean at times! I guess that's one of the reasons why I get so quiet and retreat when I get bad. The last thing I want to do is hurt people, especially for technically no reason or for no reason of their own. Unfortunately, I'm getting worse at doing this and am not able to control my anger and self as well anymore. Oh Lord please help me. I really do want to live for you and have a life filled with love. Please give me strength and wisdom.

It's been awhile since I've updated and much has happened since then. I had hoped things would be better after that short little talk we had but I was wrong. Things go even worse and became extremely confusing. I still think he is one of the best human beings I have ever known though and he is still my first choice to go to for advice and just to talk and tell things to. The problem is that we haven't been talking as much lately. When we see each other in person, it's like he ignores me. It's just nothing. Online, sometimes he'll talk and say stuff but it just doesn't seem to be in line with his actions and it was getting incredibly annoying! (It was also annoying how i could never let myself be completely mad at him too! Sigh, he's just too good of a person to be mad at.)

The past week, he was online a lot more b/c of homework and school stuff so we got to talk a lot more again. Good thing is that he seems better and happier so that makes me very happy for him. My goodness, he is still technically the "best" (as in compared to my other friends but he is not my "best friend"...don't have one of those on this earth) friend I have b/c he actually bothers to listen and understands when something is serious for me.

I've had a situation lately where i needed to make a decision and it was something important to me that I didn't want to rush into so I was talking it very seriously. The sad thing is that whenever I tried to talk to others about it to get some thoughts and feedback, no one else took it seriously so they weren't very helpful at all. I ended up telling my friend about this when we were talking sometime last week and he actually listened. He realized that it was something that was serious for me and didn't just shrug it off like most others. He knew it meant enough to ask again just last night. No one else really cared to ask me about the "development" of my thoughts and if i had made a decision and stuff but he did. Sigh...what a predicament. On one hand..he is technically the "best" friend i have but he doesn't even act like a friend when in person. Aye, I guess all I can do is pray that things work out and again, trust that he has a reason.

Ugh, parents can drive me nuts sometimes. And they wonder why I don't tell them things and stuff. When i do tell, they one of the ones who shrug it off the most and then they get all hyped up about things that really dont matter as much. I abhor my attitude when I talk back and when my voice is incredibly rude but it just comes out b/c I am so fed up sometimes. Sigh.

Lord, help me!! Give me love and self-control. Thank you for being my "best friend" and also the kind of family that I couldn't even begin to dream up. Thank you for being my dream come true.

[cont'd] I shall keep giving him the benefit of the doubt though. I know I have done the same to friends over the years b/c of long spells where i was having a rough time with life and those were the times when I especially needed for others to be a friend to me so I shall not judge him so quick. I believe he probably has a good explanation and if it is anything like mine, then at least I'll know that I was the kind of friend I had hoped ppl would've been to me.

Anyways, back to what I began the post with. A few weeks ago, I had noticed that he wasn't in a very good mood so I asked if everything was okay. (I think it means a lot to anyone just for someone to come up ask what's wrong and show that they noticed you weren't exactly happy.) He didn't really elaborate, just that he had things on his mind. We talked again last night and I asked if things were better and he commented that he still wasn't too sure about things. He then thanked me for caring and said I had a good heart. Aye, made my day? Oh gosh yeah!

Sigh but I seriously pray that things work out for him and that he'll know what he needs to do. I can't stand to see him (or any of my friends for a matter of fact) to be sad or struggling inside or out. It just kills me inside and my heart goes out to them. I wish I could go and make it better for them--just kiss away the pain. If I could take whatever load they have on their shoulders for them I would!! I really would just to see them happy. It makes me ecstatic to see people happy and again my heart goes out to them and I just want to embrace them and keep them like that forever!

Hmm, this now gets me thinking about some thoughts that have also been running through my mind lately. It also involved the guy I have been talking about but I'll not get into that at the present moment. Still need to get much much work done.

Aye, how incredibly annoying feelings can be. Just a few nice words from the right person and I'm on cloud nine all the next day. I am not a silly schoolgirl!! I know better! Yet, it still happens. This situation has gotten me all bemused!

Let me recap a bit. Last December I got to know a guy pretty well. He was one of those people that I had always known that we could become good friends given the opportunity. That opportunity arose that December. That first night having a real conversation, we talked for hours and hours into the early morning. It was on icq, of course, b/c opportunities arise easier there but still, hours. I had just posed a question that I had been pondering over but had not known who else to get an opinion from.

You see, I knew where most other people stood and I also knew that they did not think the same way I did or did not necessarily have the same little details of morals and values so obviously they could not give me considerable advice or opinions. With this guy, from his actions and how he related to others, I knew that he valued the same things as I did and would be able to give me good food for thought. I think I surprised him though. I doubt he thought of me any more than just another "little" girl.

Talking to him and hearing his opinions and thoughts, I realized that he has even more integrity than I thought and has an awesome character and personality. Extremely insightful yet caring at the same time and really loves God and brings things back into focus for me when i get into one of my "spells". The thing is that sometimes when we see each other in person, it's almost like we're strangers. I seriously have tried, to the point where it too much and really starting to not look so good so I've concluded to try when the occasion rises, but I will not completely go out of my way. He is the guy and he should be the one doing that anyways--even as friends. He went on trip for about two weeks around the middle of this year. By that time I had been getting quite annoyed and confused but when he came back...he actually talked to me for quite awhile that day, just the two of us in person even though there were others around. I thought that maybe things might change a bit but then it was always on and off. That just causes a lot of confusion and I'm not sure if he actually even thinks of me as a friend or not.

Just checked my email and came across a good quote:

"The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his attitude of mind." William James

Alright alright. It's all about attitude. What impeccable timing for me to read this quote right after I had posted that, and i do not believe that it was "just coincidence".

Ahhhhhh! Did not have a very good day at school today. I guess it really was my own fault but not good day at all. Would love to rant but many things to do and no time so just wanted to "scream" a bit. AHhhhhhh!

I think I shall start with an explanation of terms.

free to fly - I found this to be the appropriate name for my new blog because it is here that i feel i may finally let my truest thoughts fly.

my flight (site description) - At the moment I am searching for who I am. Near the begining of this year, it was a question that creeped into my mind and has plagued me since.

warriorchild - for this meaning, I shall refer back to the latter part of my site description. Although I have not found my answer (nor do I believe I ever fully will while on this earth), I am deteremined to keep searching. Inside, I am still a child who needs a quiet place to rest and someone to run to when I fall down.

"warriorchild" is actually derived from a favourite song of mine. It what most of my life has been like and how most people perceive me. Here are the lyrics:


The Warrior Is A Child
Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right,
But even winners can get wounded in the fight.
People say that I'm amazing, strong beyond my years,
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears.

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while,
'cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

Unafraid because His armor is the best.
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest.
People say that I'm amazing, never face retreat.
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet.


Another part of my flight is while I start to discover who I really am, I will work on removing my masks. I have guarded these so dearly for so long because of the protection they have provided me with but lately, I have become tired of hiding and long to let go of all and reveal the child inside. [side note: the word "child" should not be used interchangeably with "immature"]

>>Matthew 18:3 - And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

>>2 Corinthians 12:10 - That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.