Lord help! Sigh, I don't want to face "them". I knew. No matter how much I try to explain and how much "they" [i think] try not to nag me and stuff, it's like "they" can't help it. Especially when "they" are mad. "They" are the kind of people that direct their anger at anything or anyone that happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's terrible b/c those things and people might have nothing to do with the actual situation but they get hit with the venting--and those can be real mean at times! I guess that's one of the reasons why I get so quiet and retreat when I get bad. The last thing I want to do is hurt people, especially for technically no reason or for no reason of their own. Unfortunately, I'm getting worse at doing this and am not able to control my anger and self as well anymore. Oh Lord please help me. I really do want to live for you and have a life filled with love. Please give me strength and wisdom.

It's been awhile since I've updated and much has happened since then. I had hoped things would be better after that short little talk we had but I was wrong. Things go even worse and became extremely confusing. I still think he is one of the best human beings I have ever known though and he is still my first choice to go to for advice and just to talk and tell things to. The problem is that we haven't been talking as much lately. When we see each other in person, it's like he ignores me. It's just nothing. Online, sometimes he'll talk and say stuff but it just doesn't seem to be in line with his actions and it was getting incredibly annoying! (It was also annoying how i could never let myself be completely mad at him too! Sigh, he's just too good of a person to be mad at.)

The past week, he was online a lot more b/c of homework and school stuff so we got to talk a lot more again. Good thing is that he seems better and happier so that makes me very happy for him. My goodness, he is still technically the "best" (as in compared to my other friends but he is not my "best friend"...don't have one of those on this earth) friend I have b/c he actually bothers to listen and understands when something is serious for me.

I've had a situation lately where i needed to make a decision and it was something important to me that I didn't want to rush into so I was talking it very seriously. The sad thing is that whenever I tried to talk to others about it to get some thoughts and feedback, no one else took it seriously so they weren't very helpful at all. I ended up telling my friend about this when we were talking sometime last week and he actually listened. He realized that it was something that was serious for me and didn't just shrug it off like most others. He knew it meant enough to ask again just last night. No one else really cared to ask me about the "development" of my thoughts and if i had made a decision and stuff but he did. Sigh...what a predicament. On one hand..he is technically the "best" friend i have but he doesn't even act like a friend when in person. Aye, I guess all I can do is pray that things work out and again, trust that he has a reason.

Ugh, parents can drive me nuts sometimes. And they wonder why I don't tell them things and stuff. When i do tell, they one of the ones who shrug it off the most and then they get all hyped up about things that really dont matter as much. I abhor my attitude when I talk back and when my voice is incredibly rude but it just comes out b/c I am so fed up sometimes. Sigh.

Lord, help me!! Give me love and self-control. Thank you for being my "best friend" and also the kind of family that I couldn't even begin to dream up. Thank you for being my dream come true.